


Unbinding

by CaptainLordAuditor



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Aziraphale and Crowley are Adam Young's Parents, Crowley and Aziraphale are Parents, Fanon character, Hell has an office in New Jersey, Jewish Crowley (Good Omens), Jewish Good Omens (Good Omens), Kidfic, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), M/M, Sheyd!Crowley, Sheydim, Worldbuilding, aziraphale is guardian angel of gays, good ominyan, i know like two things about sheydim and they're both in this fic, i'd say gehenna but it's not that either, jewish worldbuilding, lilith doesn't technically exist in canon but we've claimed her so ???, well sort of it's not technically Hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 07:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19786483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLordAuditor/pseuds/CaptainLordAuditor
Summary: Lilith froze. The truth was, she hadn’t gotten that far. “I suppose,” she said slowly, “that we...raise them. That is what you generally do with babies.”Or, the very Jewish one where Crowley ends up with triplets.





	1. In The Beginning

On the sixth day, the Almighty looked at all of Her work, and She saw that it was good. If She saw that any of Her work was mediocre, Her servants were quick to assure Her that it was in fact good.

She had created fish of all kinds, and beasts of the land, and things that flew, and two humans, which She put in a garden, which was so large it was really more like a jungle. It had five rivers in it. She was very proud of the rivers.

In the sixth afternoon, the Almighty created a soul. When She was done with the soul, the sun set and it was dark, and She could no longer create. And it was evening and it was morning, a seventh day.

“Oh,” She said, “fuck.”*

*There has been much discussion over how precise a translation this is. The soul who was present, as he had just been created, has assured at least one scholar that “fuck” is the most accurate possible translation, though a truly accurate translation can never be attained, as the language of the Almighty is, in the words of the scholar, ineffable. There is also question over how the Almighty could have said anything approximating the word “fuck”, as the concept of fucking had arguably not yet been created. 

This in turn has led to arguments over whether this word, and Her subsequent rest, count as creation, and whether rest and curse words existed before this moment. In any case, this was certainly the invention of Shabbat, which also marks the first recorded use of the word fuck. Perhaps it is therefore unsurprising that people say it’s a mitzvah to fuck on Shabbat.


	2. 11 Years Ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

When talking about Hell, it is important to remember that there is not  _ really  _ one hell. In fact, there are not nine hells, either. 

One might broadly define hell as a collection of realms in which various groups of demons live and operate, but this is rather like defining coke as a carbonated beverage. There is only one Hell, and there are nine offices within it.

Strictly speaking, Crowley should not work for Hell. Strictly speaking, Crowley  _ should _ work for Lilith & Asch, a private company run out of New Jersey.

Several centuries ago, when Lilith & Asch was still Ashmodei & Associates, and was running out of Babylon, there was a problem with paperwork. As a result, Anthony J Crowley was assigned to an office in Hell, and an unfortunately mild-mannered demon named Vincent Carilli was hired to an office in Lilith & Asch.*

It would be false to say that Crowley has spent the past two and a half millennia adjusting to his new workplace. In actuality, his workplace has attempted to adjust to him. It has not been entirely successful in this endeavor, but it  _ has _ received several large advantages from his employment. Carilli would never have thought of the M25. Or pop-up ads.

These evils were why two demons stood in a graveyard, lurking steadily. They were waiting to report the Deeds of the Day, an idea which Crowley had accidentally given them in the fifth century BCE, and regretted ever since.

They were also waiting to make a delivery.

As far as they knew, the delivery went perfectly.

*Carilli soon found he had no idea how to get along with his new coworkers, who found him as baffling as Hell found Crowley. It took him a few decades to adjust, but Carilli did good work and ended up having a hand in the stores, primarily vape shops, which have sprung up around Lilith & Asch’s current location. Lilith still hates them, which is generally taken as a compliment in the office. And he is  _ very _ handy to have around on a Saturday.

* * *

Less than four hours later, three beings sat at a table staring at the half eaten shawarma and cans of Dr Brown’s on it as if they might reveal some cosmic truth. Even the most hedonistic of them, who was named Aziraphale, was having trouble enjoying the fresh pita.

The other two beings were two demons who looked very much alike, and might have easily been mistaken for the same person had they not been sitting next to each other. They both wore leather jackets and long auburn hair, one somewhat longer and curlier than the other. They crossed their arms and glared at the bright red plastic baskets containing their food in the same manner.

The most obvious difference between them was that one wore a pair of dark glasses. He made up for his hidden eyes by brooding with his entire body.

“I just wish,” said the redhead without glasses. “I just wish that Ashmodei had told me.” Her name was Lilith, and she was very angry at the Asch half of the company name, who was in charge of intercompany relations.

Crowley edged slightly further away from her, which was a difficult task. He knew her, and did not like to be this close to her when she was angry.

The third one looked up from his cooling soup, startled. “He didn’t?”

She shook her head, her jaw set. 

“Oh dear.”

“I’ll have words with him,” she said, in a tone that said there would be more than words.

“Why  _ me _ ?” Crowley wailed for the third time that morning. “I never asked for this! I don’t even believe in this goal! Do you think they realise that?”

“Not if they’re anything like the humans,” said Lilith dryly. “I had to explain to one that none of us care about what Jesus said, at  _ all, _ last week. Again.” She took a gulp from her drink to wash the taste of the memory from her mouth. This happened at least once a month, which is very often to someone who’s almost six thousand years old.

“But,” said Crowley, “why  _ me? _ I mean, it’s not as if you’re going around bestowing great honors on - on, what’s his name.”

“Vinny,” she supplied.

“-on Vinny. Vinny? Really?” he took a moment to appreciate the sheer Americanness of it, then continued: “I haven’t even been doing that well, really. Not lately.”

“You told them you invented the second world war,” said Aziraphale.

“Well of course, everyone fudges the reports a bit - er.” (Here he suddenly became aware of the presence of a demon of upper management sitting next to him) “I mean, _ you _ told Heaven you invented the American Civil War.”

“So did you.” This was also from Aziraphale, very primly.

“The Spanish Inquisition,” Lilith added from around a spoonful of Aziraphale’s soup. She had taken a large portion of the matzah ball with it, and he shot her an irritated look, which she duly ignored. “The Russian Revolution. The first Anglo-Afghan war. Oh, and that whole mess when the Anglicans split. What else was there?”

“Legos,” suggested Aziraphale. “Particularly stepping on them. Oh!” His face cheered. “And Pride month!” Aziraphale liked Pride month, for reasons that were obvious to most people who looked at him and everyone else once they saw him around Crowley. No matter what anyone said, neither Heaven, Hell, nor sheyd was responsible for it, which in Aziraphale’s opinion made it even better. 

“Hardly the work of a world-ending demon,” Crowley moped. 

“Well, no,” Lilith agreed. “Pride month isn’t particularly demonic. But, from their books, you’ve started four large wars within the past two hundred years. Five if we add the Cold War, I suppose. Sounds very world ending to me.”

“I’m  _ supposed _ to be spreading  _ heresy _ .” Crowley still sounded slightly whiny. “It’s not  _ my _ fault they’re all heretical enough as it is. Hard to take credit for great acts of heresy when there’s so much of it. None of it stands out.”

They lapsed into silence, Aziraphale picking his meal back up, Lilith poking at hers and Crowley staring at his crumbs. 

“I know it’s the sheyd in me,” Crowley said eventually, “And the rest of the office doesn’t agree, but I can’t help but think that it’s all -  _ wrong _ . Of Her, I mean, obviously it’s wrong of the office, that’s all they  _ do _ . But She doesn’t have to destroy everything just to make sure She made it right.”

Lilith paused. “That  _ is _ very Jewish of you,” she agreed. “That’s the trouble, isn’t it?  _ We _ have no trouble disobeying anything. It’s in our nature. Really disobeying, I mean. They just do the opposite of what She says and it comes out obeying someone else.”

Aziraphale frowned. “That can’t be right.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Crowley stretched. “It sounds about accurate to me. They only actually like disobedience in general terms, really.”

Another, briefer, pause.

Lilith chewed her lip. “It’s not disobedience if  _ I _ tell you to do something though, is it?”

“Oh, well…”

“Technically, I’ve still got a title over there. Just don’t use it. It’s all for miscredited deeds, anyway.”

Crowley knew exactly which deeds she meant, because he was responsible for them. He also knew that technically speaking, she outranked Hastur, but not Beelzebub, and certainly not Lucifer, from whom the orders had to have come. Still…. “What is it you’d be telling me to do, exactly?”

Lilith frowned. Despite the stories about her, she disliked killing children. There was very little fun to be had in that. But she did have a reputation to uphold. “Well,” she said slowly, “we could always steal him.”

“And do  _ what _ with him, exactly?” 

Aziraphale was having a growing sense that this conversation was something which, strictly speaking, he should not be listening to. Or at least ought to report on afterwards.

Lilith gave Crowley a look. It was the look that said that he should already know what she was getting at, and was much smarter than he gave himself credit for. It was a look that said that if she had to say it she would be very disappointed in her older brother, and might even give the job to somebody else. Having known him for six thousand years, this look was much more effective at communication than Sister Mary Loquacious’s wink.

“Oh,” he said. “Oh  _ no. _ No, no, no no. No, we’re not doing that, there’s no way that’ll-” 

“Do you have a better solution?”

Crowley made a sound that might best be described as “jdshfjldsk”. He opened his mouth again, then closed it, and then said, “I’ll need help.”

They both looked at Aziraphale, whose eyes were wide and was rather frozen looking.

He swallowed. “Well. I suppose - I suppose I can’t interfere with  _ divine _ plans….”

“Exactly,” agreed Lilith.

“Yes….” prompted Crowley.

“...but this wouldn’t be doing that, would it? I’d be interfering with a  _ diabolical _ plan.”

* * *

There is a kind of trick humans do with a pea and a set of cups, and something like it is about to be undone. 

Four hours ago, Crowley handed the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast That Is Called Dragon, Prince of this World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness (henceforth referred to as the Antichrist) to Sister Mary Loquacious. Sister Mary Loquacious in turn placed the Antichrist in Room 3, beside Deirdre Young and Baby A. Then Sister Grace Voluble went into Room 4, in which Harriet Dowling had just given birth to Baby B, removed Baby B, and replaced him with Baby A. Baby B was then placed in the nursery.

More recently, Lilith stepped into the convent. She did not bother to hide her presence. She found Room 3, where Deirdre Young was asleep, and did what she is known for, which is taking babies from where they belong, although the Antichrist did not technically belong here.

And then, because she would not be Lilith if she didn’t, she went into Room 4, where Harriet Dowling was asleep, and then the nursery. From these rooms she  _ also _ took Babies A and B.

Lilith left the convent.

One hour later, the convent burned down. Lilith did not cause this fire, but she did not see it as a particularly bad thing, either. Among the humans it was generally assumed that two babies died in the chaos of the fire.

In Hell, there was even more chaos.

Crowley was not there to deal with it, but he did not consider himself lucky.

* * *

The next morning, three beings stood looking at three other beings.

“Which one did you say was the - the one?”

“This one.” Lilith pointed to the middle baby. “I think. I didn’t look at the name tags until later.” She winced.

The middle baby had a name tag that informed the three beings in neat handwriting that the baby’s name was Adam Young, son of Deirdre Young, and he weighed 6 pounds, 3 ounces. 

“Adam Young?” Crowley read, and frowned. “Are you sure? The other ones, what’s that, ah,-”

“Warlock Dowling,” Aziraphale read. “That does sound rather more thematic.”

Lilith shrugged. “I think so. Maybe I got them mixed up, but - I’m pretty sure it was Adam. Well, fairly sure. Not totally certain.”

“Not an awful name, I suppose,” Crowley mused. “So… what are we doing with them?”

Lilith froze. The truth was, she hadn’t gotten that far. Or more accurately, she had backtracked and brainflopped upon realizing her initial idea now needed to be applied three times over. “I suppose,” she said slowly, “that you...raise them. That is what you generally do with babies.”

Now it was Crowley’s turn to stop. “Wait,  _ all  _ of them?”


End file.
